Brian Explains: Complaining

I love to complain, but I do it well so I’m allowed. My wife is also a good complainer. Some might say (myself included) she is an even better complainer. What do I mean by a good complainer? Some people whine when they complain. This is bad complaining. This is what most teenagers do and no one wants to be like teenagers.

The basic rule of complaining well is to be entertaining while you are complaining. By entertaining, I don’t mean you juggle and squirt water out your nose, I mean telling a good story. You make the complaint a joke. An example is: “I waited 50 billion years in line at the store when the lady in front of me pulled out a purse the size of a Buick full of coupons from the 50’s.” This is much more entertaining than the following example: “I went to the store, stood in line an hour, and got sore legs. Can you rub my bunions?” This is not entertainment; this is what my job would be in prison.

Comedians truly understand the art of complaining. People pay money to watch them complain on stage, on TV, and in the movies. It is a big business. Millions have been made by the top complainers. In some ways, you almost have to be born with a dirt covered spoon in your mouth to be a top complainer. Having things to complain about when you are a kid helps you develop the skills you need for a career in the discontented arts. A miserable kid is a funny adult.

The other part about complaining is knowing your audience. You don't complain about waiting in line at the bank while you are still there waiting at the bank. Everyone in line is just as annoyed about having to wait in line so hearing you complain about it just adds to the annoyance sandwich. When you get home or back to work, you can entertain them with your tales of stressful lingering. Be sure to mention the lady who pulled out her life savings in pennies.

Complaining is cathartic. It allows you to relieve the stress you received from the difficult experience you had. Just don't give someone else that same experience by recreating it depressing blow by depressing blow. The rule for good complaining is, if you want to tell someone what a bad day you had, be kind, don’t whine, and entertain. You might get a promising career out of it.